


The Imperial Postal Ministry develops Aurophobia

by LadyRachael



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Edward Elric Keeps Alchemy, Edward Elric Swears, Emperor Ling Yao, F/M, Fanfiction of Fanfiction, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Misgendering, Pining, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24408397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRachael/pseuds/LadyRachael
Summary: Edward Elric is boxed up and shipped to Emperor Ling. Shenanigans ensue, including explosions, alchemy, accidental proposals accepted, and Ed 'Chaos' Elric consistantly failing to notice things.This was started from the discord group for 'Snipers' and partial credit and/or blame goes to Pooka and Evie.
Relationships: Alphonse Elric & Edward Elric, Edward Elric/Ling Yao, Mei Chan | May Chang/Alphonse Elric
Comments: 17
Kudos: 116





	1. Shipping is definitely happening

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [snipers solve 99% of all problems](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20644262) by [silentwalrus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwalrus/pseuds/silentwalrus). 



Ugh, where the hell did he fall asleep this time? Motion? Why is he moving? Al is going to give him so much shit if he fell asleep in a hay wagon again. Stretch... wall? Why? Is he in a box? Who the fuck put him in a box? If Al's pranking him again, shit's gonna get real. Stopped. Is that xingese? Right. He came with Al, visiting Mei, there was a still. He put it back, why the fuck was everyone so mad? The owner gave him a bottle, Al and Mei started getting cozy, and he wandered off. 

Are they plotting against Ling? Wait, demon? ASSASINATE? Oh fuck no!

In a crackle of blue lightning, the box cracked open, nails pinging to the ground, as the golden demon burst forth, blades on his arms and iron claws upon his fingers. First Minister Han rushed in, poison dagger at his back, and quickly fell upon it when the demon kicked him in the face. Had it not been poisoned, he likely would have survived and needed dental surgery. 

Under Minister Shin came in next, narrowly missing a blade to the chin and recieving a punch to the kidney that left him moaning on the ground. Apparently the demon was done fighting because the light came again, and the very ground rose up in hands, trapping all within the courtyard. When he slammed the door behind him, a decorative oil lamp fell from its column, catching fire to a tapestry and three years of tax reports.

Dressed for a wedding, the golden demon sauntered toward the Imperial Palace, blue light changing all he touched, inviting misfortune on all with his perfection of their belongings. Despite this, he brought no harm to the people, and was kind to any children he encountered. His light made toys from the dirt and smiled upon them. The Emperor met him at the gates, and embraced him as a friend.

Ling, with his arm around Ed's shoulder "Why is there smoke coming from the Imperial Postal Ministry?"  
"Is that where I was? Someone put me in a box, I woke up, they mentioned you, a demon, and assassination. I got out and headed right here. I figure, any demons show up, we could beat them between the two of us." Ed grinned, "We managed last time. Oh, let me know when you want me to let the conspirators out, I trapped them in the floor."

"You let them put you in a box?"  
"Imayhavebeenalittledrunk"  
"What?"  
"I was drunk, okay? There was this still, up in the mountains, and I fixed it, okay? The owner was so pleased that he gave me a bottle of his best. Then Al and Mei were getting all cozy, which, gross, and I took my bottle and moved on."

Ling, leering "You know, with your hair loose, the coat, fresh from the smiting of my enemies, you look like a woman. I accept."  
Ed, bewildered, "Thanks?"

Later, as Ed was getting a coincidentally terrifying tour from Lan Fan, Ling summoned a scribe. "Make a proclamation! I have accepted the proposal of the golden demon, child of the Philosopher of the West, who will enjoy my hospitality for as long as he wishes. Prepare a suite within my personal wing."

Bowing, the scribe asked, "Would his Majesty not prefer his new wife with the others in the family wing?"

The Emperor laughed, "No, I think it would be safer for everyone if he stayed near me."

The scribe bowed himself out, thinking carefully about the golden demon. The guards had started signing to each other the second the Emperor had turned away, personally leading the demon inside. Word from the market had mentioned fire at the post office, and she had ruined the wares of several stalls by using her power to make them perfect. Everyone knows that perfection is the purview of the gods. The guards had to go address the crowd at several shrines. The Emperor had no fear of this demon or her powers. That's something he should add to the proclamation. If the Emperor claims a wife and refers to her as him, everyone else should too. 

~~~

Later that evening, Ed and Ling (and a half squad of guards), set out for the Imperial Postal Ministry. When they arrived, a good three quarters of the building were still intact. The other postal ministers were well trained enough to call the fire brigade and evacuate. Ling nodded to the guards, who fanned out to detain the prisoners as Ed released the alchemy. As they were led away, the captain of the guard approached, bowed to his Emperor, and inclined his head to Edward. Ling nodded.

Guard Captain Nao began with the bad news, "The last three years of paperwork for the Han and Shin clans are gone." The very bad news, "From what we can find, something dangerous was shipped here from an outlying province. Correspondence that survived suggests a plot against yourself, Majesty." And the good news, "It seems that all the conspirators in the capital were apprehended here. Under Minister Shin is cooperating as long as we 'keep it away from me, by all the gods, I'll tell you everything, just keep that demon away.' He seems a little excitable. Also, First Minister Han is dead."

The golden demon was upset by this, "Shit. Was it the fire? I swear that wasn't on purpose. I was sure I didn't leave anything worse than broken teeth and bruises. Ling, you know how hard I try to leave people alive. Fuck, you'll make sure their families are taken care of?"

The Emperor, in his benevolence, consoled his demon. "Don't worry, Edward. I'm sure no one blames you." He raised an eyebrow at his guard captain, who hurriedly reassured him. 

"Indeed, Majesty, his blade was poisoned and he fell on it. Had it not been so, he would have been easily healed. None can blame you for his careless behavior with poison." Guard Captain Nao bowed again, "I go now to arrange for the care of the Han and Shin families." It would take some time to get the Auditors together and a proper escort of troops arranged.

By nightfall, the rumors grew. The Emperor has tamed the golden demon, taking him to wife. Do not anger him, for the demon can send you bad luck, burn your business and your livelihood, turn your weapons against you, and worst of all, leave you breathing to suffer more.

~~~

Several people, sensitive to the mystic currents, gave warnings over the next two days - trouble is coming.

Edward Elric was bored. This was not really a new thing. His traitor of a brother would claim that Ed needed chaos the way amphibians need water. It's such an important part of his environment, he can't be comfortable without it. Al likes boring, Ed needs something to fix or rescue or solve. Something interesting. So he went out.

Several hours later, a pair of panicked guards found the golden demon in one of the popular restaurants. His table manners were terrible, and someone had given him a child's set of chopsticks, but he seemed enthusiastic and happy as he joined every toast proposed. From the piles of dishes, he had stood a few rounds, and it seemed some of the locals were egging him on. 

He turned around to see them, "Hey, Ling's guys! Errybody! A toast! To the Royal Guard! Yay!" And he knocked back his sake.

It was terrible to see someone gulp sake like that. At least the owner had switched out the expensive stuff after the third round. One of the guards went to pay while the other tried to coax the Emperor's demon back to the palace.

They were towing a progressively tipsy demon when he slurred "Whassat?" and took off down an alley. Why was he going down the artisan district? "Mister, why you got a buncha broken pots? Lemme, lemme jus get that for ya. OW!" Oh, NO. Elder Ming was going to beat them both with his cane. They turned the corner just as the blue light died. There stood Elder Ming, clutching his cane like a weapon and a sheepish demon, rubbing his head.

"What'd ya go and do that for, old man? I just fixed your pots! Is everyone in this country allergic to gratitude? Shit. OW!"

"Watch your language, kid. I don't care who you are to the Emperor." Elder Ming looked over his studio with a resigned air. "I apprenticed as a potter, about forty years ago. I made most of these dishes and pots myself. As the years passed, some of my customers would pass my work down to their children. Life is imperfect, and porcelain is fragile, so sometimes a dish breaks. Once in a while an old customer brings me the pieces. When that happens, I use resin and gold to repair it, to remind us that there is beauty in even the imperfections.

The golden demon looked contrite. "Didn't mean to ruin anything." He folded his hands as if in reverence and lit up blue. Circles drew themselves around his feet as the dishes around him gently fell to pieces. An unseen wind blew back his hair as gold enamel crawled across the cracks and they all snapped back to whole.

Elder Ming lashed out with his cane again, "Missing the point, kid. It's about the process, not the end result. Slow down. Take some time to breathe, enjoy the world in all it's flaws. Do things with your own hands. AND FOR ALL THE GODS' SAKE, ASK BEFORE YOU CHANGE OTHER PEOPLE'S LIVES!" Elder Ming punctuated each word at the end with his cane. He stood tall a moment in his anger before slumping back down. He gestured the demon over to the side, where he drew an alkahestry circle. He followed suspiciously. "It's for the hangover and the concussion you'll be getting if you don't get over here." The demon sat down inside, right before it lit up. 

Ed stood up and stretched, feeling better other than the fading headache. The old guy was still glaring a little at him, so he copied the guards and bowed a little. These guards seemed to be in a hurry, so he waved and followed along.

Emperors are not allowed to slouch, groan, or beat their heads against the throne until the stupid stops. They must show decorum at all times. Screw decorum with a calvary spear. He's had to spend the last three hours pandering to panicked merchants and the Minister of Commerce. He started sending out guard pairs for Ed after the first hour.

"Hey, Ling! Your city's pretty cool. Good food, lots of shops, some of the people are a little uptight." And here's trouble now.

One of the guards bowed "Majesty, we found your... friend at the Golden Kettle, on his sixth bottle of sake. We paid his bill and started back. On the way, he got in an altercation with Elder Ming."

"That guy is a little cane happy." Ed muttered sullenly.

Ling could see the vast forests dying for the reams of paperwork this would cause. Obviously Edward can not be trusted on his own.


	2. Ling develops a powerful thirst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed is required to help with some of the paperwork he caused, Ling despairs of Ed's sartorial choices, and Ed makes friends with a number of terrifying women.

Ling knew the day was going to go badly when they wheeled in the first box of paperwork. He called for his majordomo, "Have them bring an extra desk and chair to the throne room, and tell Lan Fan to bring Edward here."

Within the hour, the desk had arrived and so had Lan Fan. She dumped a grumpy Ed at Ling's feet. "Why the hell did you have me dragged out of bed before the sun's even up? She threw some clothes at me and grabbed me the second I finished dressing!"

Ling nodded, "She did an exceptional job, as always. Well done, Lan Fan." She disappeared to wherever she pops out from when she feels Ed needs a heart attack. 

Ling walked him to the desk and sat him down. "Do you have enough light? The chair is comfortable with your leg?" At Ed's hesitant nod, he clapped his hand to Ed's back, "Good! Because you're going to help me with all this paperwork you caused from yesterday!" 

Ed looked at the finished box next to Ling's desk, and the half full one on top and agreed, "Yeah, I guess that's fair. We should be done in time for breakfast, right?"

Ling shook his head. "Oh, no. But they'll bring us breakfast in about an hour." He turned to the doors and called out, "Bring in the pallet!" As he returned to his own desk, four guards rolled in a pallet, stacked eight boxes to a side. Ed wimpered in dismay.

At lunchtime, Ling took pity on Ed, who had started rubbing his hands together. "Take a break. Edward, is your hand bothering you?" 

Ed sighed, "Yeah, I have full use of it, but writing for too long makes it ache. I usually spar with Al or someone every day. Mei was trying to get me to understand alkahestry, but I can't get ahold of chi sense."

Ling smirked "I have just the person to help you with that."

Ed begged, "Please no, not again."

Ling, the bastard, called out "Lan Fan, Ed needs your help!", just as Ed took off running.

She took pity on him, and only chased him for a half hour before throwing a knife at his feet. Her Emperor had mentioned physical rehabilitation, so she brought him back to the Imperial Suite when they finished sparring. She directed him to the private bath before returning to her Emperor's side.

~~~

The following morning, Ed woke up when Ling left the adjoining room. He should probably get up if he didn't want to be dragged out of bed again. The wardrobe Ling had provided was full of xing style clothes, but they were all either boring or too colorful. There were only a few pieces in black, and no leather at all. He took a pair of loose black pants and a sleeveless black shirt. Rummaging around, he found a red over robe with a gold dragon on it. Cool. Accessories, let's see, bracers, check, hair braided out of the way, needs something more. Ed smirked and alchemized a black spiked choker from some ribbons and some metal from his bracers. He had to use a few ribbons to get it thick enough to hold the spikes, and just alchemized it on so he didn't have to worry about a buckle.

The look on Ling's face when he came in was priceless. 

~~~

The courtiers who had attended the morning session had a lot to share. Obviously the sensible outfit of the day before had been Lan Fan's doing, considering what the demon had shown up in today. All in black, the spikes, the dragon coat, the demon was making his allegiance to the Emperor plain. Hopefully His Imperial Majesty would continue to hold tight to his leash.

~~~

The information debriefing over lunch was fun for Ling. Ed showing up in his incredibly tasteless and threatening outfit had seemed like a problem that morning, but the gossip was proving fruitful. The conclusions the morning court were spreading were hilarious. 

Ed was dropping his chopsticks again. Ling reached over and adjusted his grip. The ministers at the table were scandalized. Ed sighed and alchemized his sticks to a fork and spoon.

Ling glared. "As much fun as I'm having watching you give my ministers heart problems, you need to cut down on the casual alchemy. Also, your outfit this morning was something you should not wear in public." 

Ed made a kissy face, and replied sarcastically, "As my Emperor commands. Looked great though, didn't it?"

Ling smirked, "Well, it definitely suits you. Now finish up, it's time for sparring.", as Lan Fan dropped down from the rafters, grabbed Ed around the waist, and zoomed off. A faint "Nooo" could be heard retreating into the distance. The Emperor clapped his hands together, drawing the horrified eyes of the ministers. "Afternoon court today is land disputes, yes?"

~~~

The golden demon would occasionally attend the morning court, often in the same memorable outfit. Occasionally, smart dignitaries will offer research to Ed’s desk on their way in and Ed’s sunny smile wins them brownie points with Ling.The very smart dignitaries would offer research they actually wanted done. “How do I get enough crops to feed this many people with only this much arable land?” 

Emperor Ling had to enlist Elder Ming and his cane to reinforce the "No casual alchemy without asking" rule, but the revitalization of the hanging gardens and the reproducible framework for farms did provide a sharp increase in food production. 

~~~

Al and Mei stopped at the capital a few months later, causing some panic that there were two of them. The brother, Alphonse, seemed very unobjectionable. Serene, almost. The people breathed a sigh of relief. 

His first words to his brother after greeting the Emperor in the proper manner? "Ed, what the hell are you wearing?"

Later that day, Ling called Alphonse for a private audience. He carefully explained how much he would like to be closer to Ed, and how every overture he made had been consistantly misunderstood. Candy? Ed thanked him and ate it. Flowers got a strange look, but one of the maids had mentioned that flower arrangements were something that everyone did, and the book on ikebana was never opened. Edward had his own room within the Imperial Suite, and unrivaled access to the Emperor, but he teased him and threw things when upset. 

Al patted him consolingly, "I love my brother, but subtlety is wasted on him. You have to be direct and explicit. I'm sorry I have to leave so soon, but I have an interview in The Imperial House of Purification Arts, and I mustn't be late.

Ling raised an eyebrow, "I'm sure they would be understanding if you mentioned that you were in audience with the Emperor." 

Al shook his head, "I'm not going to trade on your relationship with Brother. Besides, getting in on my own merit means when you get tired of Ed's stupidity and slingshot him over the border, I'll still have a place." Al grinned, "Also, don't think I haven't noticed the problems he's having with chopsticks. I recommend having communal meals and making him work for it. His competitive streak will help him gain proficiency." Alphonse executed a textbook perfect bow and left.

~~~

Ed, faced with 49 women, "What's up?"  
Ling gently steers him into the room by the arm. "Go on in, mingle, meet with the other wives."

Ed narrows his eyes "OTHER wives?"

Ling, grinning, "Yes, I was very impressed with your proposal. Fire, alchemy, the smiting of my enemies. Plus, you already cooked for me, shared the last of your food in extremis. You'll fit in fine with the rest of the little women! Have fun, bye!"

Ed's snarl and lunge was cut off by the closing of the giant doors. "Who are you calling so small they fall through the eye of a needle?! Get back here, Ling, you bastard! I'm going to alchemize your sleeves together!" 

Behind him, one of the ladies chides "You should not be so disrespectful to his Imperial Majesty."

"Nah, he can take it." Ed turns around "So what do you all do for fun around here?"

Hours later, Ling returned to the formal sitting room to find half of his wives carefully practicing Amestrian and the other half either tutoring Ed in throwing kunai or practicing themselves. Lan Fan was there, correcting stances and being terrifying as usual. Everyone but Ed stops when he comes in, "Are we in trouble?" lingering in the air. 

"No, no, don't stop on my account. I want all my wives and prospective children to be able to defend themselves. Good initiative on learning Amestrian. Edward, come talk with me about trade routes across the Great Desert."

Ed crossed his arms and glared, the effect lessened by the red kimono and fancy hairstyle the other wives had arranged for him. "Stop making jokes about my height, almost all the other women are shorter than me."

Quiet titters were hidden behind fans, and Ling decided to take Alphonse's advice. "Ladies, (and Edward), I've decided to institute family style dinners, just for us. We will have them in the secondary banquet hall. Conversation and dress will be informal."

The first dinner went... okay. There wasn't any hair pulling or food fights but trying to have everyone at a single long table was not going to work. Everyone was awkward and conversation was difficult. A 'U' shaped setup eventually worked better, with people sitting on the inside and the outside of the curve. It only took a few weeks for Edward to master the chopsticks, and all the wives began to form friendships and various alliances by interests. 

~~~

Some of the other wives, from clans on the desert border, were asked to consult on the proposed rail line. Elder Han, whose family was apparently incapable of learning, rudely started belittling Lady Jin and Lady Zhou. This was a mistake. When he took a step too close to the ladies, he found himself swiftly on the other side of the room, with the golden demon at his back.

Ed bared his teeth at the idiot he had in an arm bar. In a deceptively conversational tone he asked, "Tell me, Elder Han, where does the Han clan live? It's not anywhere near the desert, is it?" A headshake.   
"Have you, personally, ever traveled the Great Desert?" Another negative.   
"Do you happen to know anything about railroads or iron working?" Headshake.   
Elder Han was turned around and held off the ground by the shoulders, golden eyes burning into him. "You would like to apologize to my friends, Lady Jin and Lady Zhou, who actually know what we're talking about, wouldn't you?" Vigorous nod.  
"You would like me to let you go, so you can leave, right?" Another nod, and the demon dropped him. He ran out.

The golden demon raised his voice so everyone could hear him, "Ling, I just want to tell your people that the next person to be disrespectful to any of my fellow wives in my presence, will be taking their teeth home in a sack. Anything you'd like to add?"

Emperor Ling Yao stood, "Yes, I would like to add that any disrespect or harm offered to any of my wives will be handled first by said wives, and finally by the full force of my Imperial displeasure. No censure will be offered to any member of the Imperial Family for defending themselves."


	3. The dreaded Mother in Law arrives!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ling's mother visits. Further misunderstandings occur.

As the end of summer approached, Ling woke Ed early one morning with a pile of new robes. 

Ling valiantly kept his composure as a sleep rumpled Ed rubbed his eyes and asked, "Ling? Whassat? 'S really early." 

Ling placed the clothes on a table and tugged at Ed's covers. Ed was not wearing a shirt. Ling managed not to whimper or make grabby hands as he pushed some of the hair out of Ed's face. Ed leaned into his hand and mumbled about breakfast. "Come on, Edward, my mother is visiting today, you need to get ready for the procession. Here, I had the tailors make you some new clothes. Please don't wear your trouble making outfit while she's here."

Ed paused with one arm in the shirt, "Why are you so worried about your mom visiting? Shit, I wish I could see mine again. I'd pay an arm and a leg for that."

Ling sighed, because he heard that story before, "One, that was terrible, and Two, you need to understand how difficult she can make things for me. Three, she *is* my mother and I've missed her."

Ed finished pulling on the shirt and started untying his sleep pants. Ling swiftly turned around before they fell, he sure was body shy. Ed yawned and tried to run a hand through his hair before it snagged. "C'n I use y'r brush?" He asked as he pulled the loose trousers on.

"Let me go get that for you." Ling said quickly as he rushed from the room.

"Wow, this visit must really be stressing him out." Mused Ed as he fought with the unfamiliar clothing. 

~

Dowager Empress Yao entered the capital in state, surrounded by guards and attendants. The servants, guards, and courtiers gathered in front of the palace, with the wives, her son, and the golden demon arrayed in a column. As she approached, each wife greeted her with the proper reverence. She greeted her son as befit his ascension to Emperor. 

At the end of the procession, she looked at Ed and said, disdainfully, "Demon." 

He, of course, said "Where?!" and tackled her to the ground, alchemizing a dome over them. When the dome completed and the light fades, he helped her sit up in the dark and whispers "Give it a minute and I'll let us out, Ling has all those guards out there so he should be fine." 

Ling knocks three times on the dome, "All clear, Edward. Stop monopolizing my mother all to yourself."  
Ed shook his head, and used alchemy to drop the dome and pull the dust from their hair and clothes. He pulled the Dowager Empress to her feet.

"Unhand my person!" She pulled her arm away and stalked into the palace. 

Ling leaned toward Ed, "Mother doesn't like to be touched. You should probably leave her alone unless she calls for you."

~

Later, she calls him to her suite. As she serves tea, she asks "Have you been defiling my son's house?" Ed, confused, "I don't think so? What do you mean?"

She sets down the teapot a little harder than necessary, "Have you been sleeping with the wives?"

Ed smooths back his bangs, "Um, no? I have my own room by Ling."

She sips her tea, "And do you sleep with my son?"

Ed, hesitantly, "Well, sometimes. Usually he comes in when I'm having something to drink in the sitting room after a nightmare. And then he lets me sleep in his bed."

She raises an eyebrow, "You truly see no problem with this?

Ed shrugged, "I mean, not really? I fall asleep with Ling and I on separate sides, and I wake up on a tiny sliver of mattress with Emperor Octopus all over me. He's a bed hog, but it keeps me from waking up screaming."

Dowager Empress Yao sets down her tea and leans forward, "Who have you been having sex with here?"

Ed starts to turn red, "Nobody!"

She muttered under her breath then asked "Are you a eunuch? It's no longer something popular here but..." At Ed's expression, Lan Fan whispered an explanation in his ear.

Ed's face was bright red now, "No Ma'am, all parts present and in working order! But why would you...?" Ed stood hurriedly and backed away "Sorry, sorry, you're a beautiful lady and all, but I don't even know you! Besides, I would feel weird having sex with a friend's mom. It's not you, it's me! Sorry, gotta go!" And he ran out. 

The Dowager Empress looked at Lan Fan, "Is he mocking me?"

She shook her head, "No Mistress, he really is that clueless. "

~

The nursery in the Imperial Palace was carefully hidden. Visitors could only get there through a specific set of guarded doors, but family members could get there through hidden corridors. Dowager Empress Yao knew the back ways, having spent the first three years of her son's life there. The hidden ways opened behind a cutwork screen, facing the main doors. She motioned to her maid to stay silent and watched. 

Ed had fled from Ling's mom and wandered around for awhile. One of the wives had seen him and brought him to the nursery. He had been shocked the first time he visited.

~

Lady Xia was pulling Ed by the hand, dragging him through different corridors hidden behind screens and artwork. "Where are you bringing me?"

"Quickly!" she said, "Lady Sui is out of seclusion, she brought the new princess to the nursery!"

Ed was yanked out into a large room, filled with baby noises. A snuffling cry cut off and one of the ladies approached warily. "Who is this you bring to threaten our children, Xia? The Emperor has decreed that all the creche is under his protection. I will not have you harming my child!" 

Lady Xia bowed low and Ed followed a beat later. "I would not bring a threat to the children, Song. This is Edward, a fellow wife. I brought him to see the Sui princess. Is she here yet?"

Lady Song was skeptical. "This is highly improper. But yes, Princess Sui is in the newborn room. If either of you harms a single child, I will kill you myself."

Lady Xia dragged him toward a corner as Ed tried to talk her out of it. "I'm willing to look in, Xia, but I'm really not comfortable with tiny babies. You have any that can move on their own yet?"

Lady Xia huffed, "Fine. You'll look in on the newborn room and then I'll show you to the toddlers."

~

Since then, Ed liked to come to the nursery whenever he had some spare time and played with the kids. At the moment he was on his back, bouncing a toddler on his flesh leg, steadying him with one arm, as a toddler drooled on his chest and two others tied knots in his hair. Their mothers looked on indulgently as he winced when one pulled his hair into their mouth. They were all fascinated by his hair, and tried to eat it at every opportunity. He was definitely going to have to change before lunch with Ling, hopefully he wouldn't lose too much hair trying to brush it out. 

Something behind him caused the moms to stiffen. He quickly rolled and placed the kids behind him, clapping to blade his bracers and meet the danger. In the corner of his eye, he saw Lady Song drop a blade to her hand at his reaction. 

From his crouch, he found himself facing Ling's mom and one of her maids. She looked unimpressed. He sighed and stood, returning his bracers to his arms. "You came to meet the kids?" He asked.

"Why are you here... Edward?" 

"Some of the wives brought me in to meet their friends and their kids. I can't take the tiny babies but the toddlers are pretty fun." He replied. 

She pointed to a chair off to one side. "You will sit. You cannot meet with the Emperor looking like *that*"

"I was going to change and fix it before lunch." Ed tried

"Sit." She pointed emphatically to the chair.

"Yes Ma'am." Ed gave in, and sat. He was tense as she stood behind him, carefully detangling his hair. He jumped a little when she picked up a brush.

"You would face me with blades when you thought me a threat but a hairbrush frightens you?" She asked, hiding a smile. 

"Usually I just yank it through the tangles, so it hurts." He replied.

Dowager Empress Yao shook her head and summoned several other maids. "You will go to Edward's room in the Imperial Suite and bring me the contents of his wardrobe. Also, bring any accessories that you find."

Ed laughed nervously, "That's really not necessary, Ma'am. Ling provides whatever I need." Behind him, several of the wives were nodding vigorously and egging her on. None of them had been able to get Edward into any proper fashion.

~

A few hours later, Emperor Ling Yao had to hide his reaction when Edward gallantly escorted his mother into the throne room. She had somehow managed to coerce Edward into a Favored Consort's court dress, complete with traditional accessories and hairstyle. On the plus side, she apparently approved of him now. On the downside, it was a very good thing he was wearing loose robes and not expected to stand. Ed took a knee before the throne and Ling knew he would be calling for ice for his bath tonight. 

Dowager Empress Yao winked at her son where the court couldn't see. The golden demon, Edward, had proved highly amusing once she reached past their misunderstandings. It seemed her gamble with the clothing was paying off, for Edward may not be as unaffected by her son as she thought. Completely clueless and incapable of reading a hint, but at least her son's heart would not be broken. 

Ling cleared his throat, "Edward, you may join me from your desk. Mother, I would appreciate your wise counsel if you would give it." Ed went to his desk as his mother approached. She tilted her head attentively. Under his voice he whispered "How, by all the gods, did you talk him into *that*?"

She hid her smirk behind a fan and responded, "It's lovely, isn't it? I saw what you were letting the poor boy wander about in, scandalizing the ministers. One might think you didn't like him at all. I fixed it, of course, but I had to leave him his favorite outfit. He said you had forbidden him from wearing it around me, and I could see why. Fortunately, I was able to arrange his wardrobe to a more appropriate level."

Ling glanced back at her, lowering his voice again, "He obviously has no idea what it means. He's going to think you're making fun of him, or that I am. I'd thank you not to complicate my personal life any more than it already is." 

His mother put her fan away, and he stood to embrace her. She whispered in his ear, "Then perhaps you should tell him otherwise." 

The Dowager Empress departed the city as she had arrived, now confident that the Empire was safe in her son's hands, and that her son's heart was safe with his demon.


	4. Finally!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ed figures it out.

Ling was becoming an idiot. He knew it too, but every time he looked at Ed in the outfit his mother gave him, he wanted to yank his hair out of style and kiss him breathless. Not to mention his, ahem, growing problem. All the layers the Imperial Robes trussed him in were good for that. 

Afternoon court was finally over. He stayed seated for a bit as the courtiers filed out. Ed was still sorting through paperwork, annotating research in one of his personal ciphers. Ling had idly tried to break it once, but it was written in two languages and coded in a third. Fortunately, he kept a separate book in Xingese with summaries for Ling to cross reference. Ed was so thoughtful. Damnit, he was mooning in his own head now. At least his Emperor mask was in place. 

"Edward?"  
"Hmm?"  
"Come walk with me in the gardens? I'd like a look at what you set up. The botanists have finally cleared it for visitors." 

Ed absently finished tidying away the papers, "Sure Ling, you want us to change first, or just go?"

Ling thought about his rebellious southern district. "No, I think we should just go. You paved the paths?" 

Ed stretched as a sunbeam lit him like a golden statue of indolence. Oh dear. The poetry was getting bad. Ling shook his head as Ed answered, something about standards and knowing what he was doing. What was he doing? Right, touring the new hanging gardens with Ed. 

~

They were turning at the exit of the gardens when a spike of malice and a glint of metal had Ling yelling "Down!" Ed turned his drop into a roll, coming up once the knives passed over his head. He bladed his gauntlets and crouched in front of Ling, who had a sword in one hand and a dagger in the other. 

"Back to back?" Ling asked.  
Ed gave a feral grin as he retracted one blade and alchemized a polearm. "Yeah, just like old times."

A number of black clad warriors dropped in around them in blank oni masks. The design was generic, but the hatred was needle focused. Guards were shouting in the distance, and more enemies came to distract them. The two of them, enemies on all sides, really did stir some nostalgia. The tide seemed to be turning in their favor, when one of the warriors dropped a flashbang grenade. Ed tried to blink back his vision when movement made him turn. He caught the blade descending on Ling against his bracers, throwing sparks. A push and a twist had his opponent down. He clapped the man's shirt into restraints and helped Ling up. 

He looked them over, "I think these outfits are done for. Hope you have a spare."  
Ling swiped the blood from a cut on his face. "You may be right."

~

Back in the palace, once the doctors were done, they each retired behind a screen. They changed into their bedclothes in silence for a while. 

"So, did they ever say who attacked you today?" Ed asked, shaking his hair out of what was left of his hairstyle.

Ling rounded his screen and stopped short. Ed was already looking debauched, hair mussed, a plaster across his knuckles. He always seemed to lead with his fists. He mentally shook himself and tried to shove his libido back in its box. Ed finger combed his hair back. That box wasn't big enough. "Yeah, the Han clan felt that I hadn't been sensitive enough to their needs. They figured a succession crisis would clear the field for them. Because they're stupid." 

Ed shook his head and walked over, "They could have had you today, Ling."

He sighed, "I've been dodging assassination attempts since I could walk, Ed. Why are you making a fuss?"

Ed was almost yelling as he clutched at Ling's jacket, "I was worried, you asshole! You almost... And... Gah!" Ed yanked him close and smashed their lips together. Ling was so shocked, he didn't get a chance to kiss back before Ed pulled away.  
"Gods' sake Ed, don't do that!"  
"Sorry, sorry. The wives told me what those clothes meant so I thought... Nevermind. I'll go, sorry." Ed tried to leave for his room.  
Ling pulled him back around. "No, you idiot, don't apologize. I meant, don't start something you won't finish." Ling tangled his fingers in Ed's hair, pulling him close and kissing hard.

Things were going well. Ling let out a gasp at one point, and Lan Fan dropped down from the ceiling. She glared at both of them, stalked over to the door, turned the lock, and slammed it behind her, keeping aggressive eye contact the entire time. 

Ling and Ed had to stop for a moment to giggle hysterically. Ed leaned on his shoulder. "I guess she wants us to lock the door. But where did she come from?"

Ling leaned his head on Ed's hair. Smelled nice. "Nobody knows. If Lan Fan is needed, she appears." They laughed a bit more before being distracted by other things.

~

Ling woke up, freezing. Ed had stolen most of the blankets, and his automail leg was touching his. He tried to wrestle the blankets back. "Damn, Ed, is your leg always this cold?" 

Ed reluctantly released some blankets. "Yeah, bastard, but usually I'm wearing pants."

Ling wrapped a blanket on Ed's leg. "You know what I think would help?" Ed raised an eyebrow as Ling continued, "Body heat." A low laugh as he hugged him.

~

Emperor Ling Yao was in a good mood for several days.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Elder Ming is channeling his inner Rafiki


End file.
